That's what I told
Hilman yesterday when he asked how things are getting on. Well, it's short and simple answer but enough to summarize everything. I thought people has totally forget about it. Dah over 2 weeks okay. Orang lain dah buat tak tahu. Tanya masa first day, lepas tu buat tak tahu je. But not you,
Man! Dari awal lagi dah tanya, semalam tanya lagi. Thank you for your concern.
I'm biting all the bullets as much as I can no matter how the bullets cause me deeply pains. Ceh, macam power kan! But I'm trying people. That's the one thing I tried to do by myself.
It feels like months I ignored this blog but it's only been 2 weeks. Sigh. Poyo je konon tak nak blog. Tahan few days je. And here, I'm back to write something before I'll be going away again. And, after a long time, please expect this post will be quite long. Huhu..
I heard this on the radio last week. Lets named the caller as S. He shared his break-up experience which has been in my mind for a while.
Both were in deeply love. But none of the friends liked their relationship nor support them as couple. Then, because of the friend's pressures, S left his girl and married to someone else. And the girl was down, pressure and sick. Betul-betul tertekan sampai jatuh sakit. The saddest part, the girl sakit sampai meninggal. Poor dear girl.
Mungkin situasi saya tak sama 100% macam gadis itu. But I know the pain when someone we love left, the pain when he actually left you for other girl. Hmmm... I'm not a strong girl.. Even a small thing can make me crying. Tapi saya tak mahu meninggal kerana sakit makan hati. Wallahuallam.
Oleh itu, saya cuba untuk gembira seperti orang lain walau sedang sakit.
This two weeks, I have been down with fever for three times. It's not a great feeling at all. I have becoming so weak and lazy those days. Saya penat untuk demam yang saya tak minta. And, each time when I caught with fever, I felt so guilty to Selimut Hati. Sebab saya tahu dia mesti rasa serba salah. Bukan salah dia saya demam, cuma badan saya tak kuat untuk terima pressure.
Masa second time demam, a friend ask for hang out. I said okay - without mentioning the fever. Tak larat, tapi laratkan juga sebab tak mahu duduk dalam kesedihan. Tak mahu meninggal akibat kesedihan. Another friend sms said that her father was in ICU Ipoh. I pay a visit even masa tu badan panas. Once at the hospital, they have H1N1 screening. Sangat cuak. Luckily that time my flu has fully stop or else I might turned to be the patient rather than visitor.
You see? I'm trying to live on. I'm trying so hard to move my ass to meet those friends even I'm not feeling so well cause I appreciated them. Tak tahu lagi bila dapat jumpa. Short conversations with them really made me feel so peace. Kami tak sembang tentang lara dalam hati saya, tapi saya rasa macam hilang beban kat bahu. Magik okay.
Seorang kawan rapat pernah berkata....
Diya, aku tahu hang sedih. Tapi nak buat macam mana Diya? Orang tak nak hang. Hang kenalah terima. Aku tahu susah. Sebab dah sayang. Ko nak nangis, nangis lah bila orang takde, bila nak tidur, bila dalam bilik. Tapi depan orang ko senyum, ko gelak, ko tunjuk yang ko happy, ko tunjuk yang ko okay Jangan kasi orang tahu yang dalam sebenarnya ko sakit...
I took all his words. And that's what I'm doing right now. Saya redha dengan ketentuan ini. Saya redha kalau he's not the one. Saya redha juga kalau dah tertulis takdir I'll be single the rest of my life. Saya tak nak fikir masa depan lagi. Saya cuma mahu tumpu untuk sekarang. Saya mahu nikmati apa yang saya ada sekarang.
And to
Aainaa,
Hilman, Khalil and
Syue, thank you so much for the time you have spent for me. I feel a bit relax now. And I'm more glad that I didn't even told or shed any tears pon pada
Aainaa. Good girl, Diya!
Okay. Rasa tak adil kalau tak cakap tentang Selimut Hati. He has play the biggest role for this two weeks. Dialah racun, dialah penawar. Thank you for helping me survive this whole two weeks. Terima kasih kerana sabar. Terima kasih kerana membantu saya di saat-saat saya jam, down study tak leh masuk. Study dah berjam tapi macam tak tahu apa-apa lepas tu cuma tahu menangis je. Terima kasih tak putus-putus bagi kata perangsang.
Ya Allah, sayangnya saya pada hamba Allah sorang nie...
I wish my results won't disappointed him. Tak nak dia rasa dia tak membantu walhal banyak dah yang dia bantu. Insyallah.
As for now, saya rasa 26% okay. Increase 6% from the last time I told Selimut Hati. Mudah-mudahan doa dia untuk 99% termakbul jua. But, in order to get that level maybe it will took years.
Sekarang, kamu akan nampak saya senyum, saya gelak, saya ketawa.. Saya mencuba untuk buat takde apa-apa yang terjadi. Saya nak nampak cool depan kamu semua. Sedih macam mana pon, menangis terok macam mana pon, biarlah bantal-bantal busuk saya je yang tahu.
Okaylah. Will mengomel later. Nak pegi bite the bullets. Ehek.
P/s: Tak nak demam kali ke-empat. Badan, kamu kuat lah sikit...
P/s/s: Pergi IKEA, 2 days in a row. Pergi mengutip sisa-sisa kenangan manis yang ada... Rindu...
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